??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
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