I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
