Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
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