What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
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