Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Randomize
