i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?
pat the guy you slept with
still need a last name
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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