Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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