Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
