No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
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