I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Randomize
