im six kinds of drunk right now
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
His nipple licking is glorious
Randomize
