He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
