I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Randomize