Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize