Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
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