just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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