It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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