i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
