I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
