I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
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