I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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