I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
