found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
