Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
So much rum. So many feels.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
