my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
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