yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
