I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
