Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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