You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
