i just wanna soil my oats bro
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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