I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
this is an emotional support booty call
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I love you.
Bad choice
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
