You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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