I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
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