my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Drunk is a universal language darling
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