I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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