I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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