I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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