just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
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