But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
Randomize
