I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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