Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
