No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
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