apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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