I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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