Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
