I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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