I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
