sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
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