Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
