Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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