tonight lets celebrate not being married
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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