oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
