Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
