my sisters under your porch take her home
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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