the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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