you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Randomize
