found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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