Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Randomize
