No stitches, just platelets and will power
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize