Umm I'm too high to move.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
