I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
